


Before Spring Comes Winter

by Outrageously_Ordinary_Typist



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Drama & Romance, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Injuries, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-30
Updated: 2020-02-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:58:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22478278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Outrageously_Ordinary_Typist/pseuds/Outrageously_Ordinary_Typist
Summary: After the Keanu kidnapping situation is over, Callum is in the hospital, Ben is in emotional turmoil and Lexi is a very helpful daughter.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 7
Kudos: 140





	1. Blue is a universally liked colour

**Author's Note:**

> I have a couple of different ideas to continue this and make a slice of life plot-line out of this, but of course I'd first want to know if there is an interest in more chapters (I definitely want to go more into a potential PTSD plot-line for Callum). Unbeta'ed so I apologise if there are any spelling mistakes. Hope you enjoy!!

After Ben shut the front door of his home behind him, he let out a shaky breath of air. The only thing that could make him feel like a normal person right now was drinking, preferably until he passed out. At least then he wouldn't have to think and blame himself. It had been a mistake to get back together with Callum, of course it was, and everyone could've seen it coming. Even Ben himself knew, but he had tried to pretend not to know, ignoring it until he could no longer. And Callum being kidnapped was more than enough proof that Ben was no good for him.

"Ben, Is that you?" Lola popped her head out of the kitchen. When her eyes landed on Ben, they softened in concern. "I thought you'd be in the hospital?"

"No," The reply came out gravelly and Ben cleared his throat. "Callum was going in for a couple of scans and they told me to go home, because it would take a while."

"Who did?" Lola asked.

"The doctors, Jay, Stuart-" Ben sighed, "Callum did too." Practically yelled it at Ben, when he refused to go at first.

"Oh." Lola said with a frown, "Are you okay?"

Ben chuckled drily, "I'm not the one in the hospital now, am I?" The fake amusement fell from his face in an instant, "You shouldn't worry about me, I'm fine."

"And Callum? Jay told me about what's happened, but he didn't go into much detail with Lexi there." Lola said, pressing the kitchen door shut to block the sound of their conversation in the hall from reaching Lexi's ears.

"His face was all beaten up and bloody, and he had some chest pains that needed checking out." Ben balled his fist on impulse when telling Lola, "If the police hadn't gotten Keanu first, I'd have killed and dumped him in a ditch somewhere."

"Well, aren't we lucky he got arrested then." Lola replied, "You can't afford to go to prison again, Ben. Think about us." _Us_ in this case included everyone Ben considered his family.

"You'd be fine without me." Since he only messed things up, made them worse somehow.

Before she could protest, a tiny voice spoke from the doorway. Lexi had opened the door without them noticing and was half hidden behind it when she asked, "Are you leaving again, daddy?"

Ben rushed to wrap her in his arms and reassured her, "Absolutely not, babe. I'm not going anywhere."

Lola gave him a pointed look behind Lexi's back which said, "You better not screw up with her." He nodded in response. Message received, loud and clear.

"Is Callum hurt?" Lexi asked, voice muffled from being pressed up against Ben's coat.

"He is a bit, but he'll get better now he's in the hospital." He said, "Why don't you make him a get well soon card?"

That seemed to perk Lexi up and she wormed herself out of Ben's grasp. "Can we make him some cupcakes too?"

"Sure."

After washing their hands and putting on aprons - Ben helped Lexi tie hers behind her back - they set about making the cake batter. Since they were working with a cake mix, they only needed to add some eggs, milk and butter. Ben mixed the batter until it was smooth and poured it out into the cups Lexi had already placed on the baking tray.

Ben had preheated the oven before they got started, so it was easy to put the tray in and set the timer for thirty minutes. Lexi sat on the table with her feet dangling off the edge, fully ready to sit there and watch the cupcakes bake for the next 30 minutes.

"Why don't you go and make that card for Callum now, Lex?" Ben spoke up, "This is gonna take a while and probably be a bit boring."

"Okay." Lexi hopped off the table and went to the living room to grab her coloured pencils and a piece of paper. By the time she came back, Ben had cleaned up half of the table so Lexi could sit there and draw without getting some stray batter splatters on her card. Lola had gone off to the shop to buy some cake decorations for them as well as do some groceries, so it was only the two of them home now.

Lexi sank her teeth in the end of her pencil and frowned. Ben sat down across from her and leaned on his elbows.

"Does Callum like dogs?" Was what she asked after popping the pencil out of her mouth.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"Then I'm gonna draw a puppy."

A smile found its way on Ben's face as he watched Lexi get to work, her mouth hanging open in concentration.

"And what's his favourite colour?"

Ben opened his mouth to blurt out a random colour, but with Lexi's genuine, honest to God question he couldn't lie to her, no matter how small that lie would end up being. "I... don't know."

She let out a sound between a gasp and a scoff, as if it was impossible for Ben to be dating a guy for months and still not know his favourite colour. What else could they be talking about if not their favourite and least favourite things?

"I think he'd like blue." Lexi said abruptly.

"Why?"

"Is there anyone in the world who hates blue?" She looks at her dad curiously, "Anyone in the _whole wide world_? I don't think so."

There are many variants of blue. There's sky blue, which they don't see that often in the UK, but it can be especially beautiful and bright on sunny spring days. Marine blue is the colour of the ocean and he's also seen a couple of marine blue shirts in Callum's wardrobe. Those always look nice on him. There's turquoise - which barely passes as blue - however there's a small but not insignificant hint of turquoise present in Callum's eyes. And Ben had gotten very up close and personal with Callum to have seen and been entranced by the play of colour going on in his eyes.

"I think I quite like blue as well." Ben admitted softly.

"Of course." She replied, pleased to have proven her point. She raised her head to give him a big toothy smile, before going back to drawing a nice blue sky around her yellow sun.

Lexi was nearly completely finished with her card and was putting on some finishing touches with some glittery stickers when Lola entered the kitchen with the bag of groceries. She set the cake decorations on the table and put the rest of the groceries away in the kitchen cupboards. She checked Lexi's card and said, "Your card looks really pretty, Lex."

"Thank you." She replied and with a final sticker, her card was done. 

"Did you write your name on it?" Ben asked.

Lexi showed him the inside of the card. It was as heavily decorated on the inside as on the outside with stickers and drawings. Right in the middle of it was Lexi's name. Above it she had drawn a princess, who most likely represented Lexi herself, wearing a pink dress and holding something. It looked like a grey-brown blob.

"What's that?" Ben pointed at the 'something'.

"That's a plate of cupcakes, obviously."

"Obviously, yeah." Ben said teasingly. Lexi crossed her arms, pouting at him in mock anger.

The oven alarm went off and Ben put on some oven mittens to take the tray out of the oven. After putting the hot tray on the counter, he turned to Lexi, "Why don't we make some icing while we wait for the cupcakes to cool off?"

Lexi nodded excitedly and stood by his side while he prepared all the ingredients they needed. The process of making it was as simple as the cupcakes had been, just mix it all together until it was blended into a thick liquid-y substance. It was easy to make, because there only had been a couple of straightforward steps. So Ben could let his mind wander.

Out of all the things he could be doing right now, he didn't imagine he'd be baking with his daughter. He's supposed to be agonising over his poor life choices, debating whether or not it'd be better to break things off with Callum now to spare both of them from further heartbreak. Not spend most of his afternoon baking cupcakes for him. And if he thought about it too much, he'd weep because making these cupcakes was the most useful he'd felt in this entire abduction situation. And if that wasn't a depression thought.

With the cupcakes cooled off and the icing done, Ben let Lexi rein free over the decorations. Armed with chocolate sauce and rainbow sprinkles she made something best described as abstract food art.

"Do you want me to help?" He asked.

"Can you draw a smiley face with the chocolate?" She pleaded and handed him the tube. Her hands as well as the tube were covered in sticky chocolate.

Ben laughed as Lexi licked her fingers clean and accidentally got chocolate all over her face. "I'll do my best, okay?" He said and concentrated on making a perfect smiley face. It was a little shaky since he wasn't used to decorating cakes, but overall it looked all right. And when Lexi added the sprinkles it was close to perfect.

After telling Lexi she had to select three cupcakes to give to Callum and "No, he won't be able to eat all sixteen of them." and taking a much-needed shower, Ben made his way to the hospital. He was carrying Lexi's card and a food container with the cupcakes up to the room Callum was staying in. He knocked twice and waited until he heard a "come in" before entering.

Callum was sitting up in his hospital bed, covered up to his middle in a white sheet. His face wasn't bloody anymore, but it was still heavily bruised. His left eye was swollen and half-shut. A couple of bandages wrapped around his temples. The sight of it all knocked the breath out of Ben. _It's my fault, my fault, my fucking fault._

"Ben." Callum called out, his voice worn and tired, but his tone, warm, desperate, pleading. It had Ben's legs moving on their own accord, moving away from the door. He stood at Callum's bedside and immediately clasped Callum's hand when he held it out. His hand was warm, his pulse beating strongly in his wrist. _Healthy, safe, alive._

"You're okay?" He squeezed his hand.

"Three broken ribs." He spoke slowly. Now Ben knew, he noticed Callum breathing shallower than normal. "I'm on a lot of pain medication right now."

"Keanu is dead when I get my hands on him." Ben all but growled.

"Ben, please don't." Callum said, "It's over, so just drop it."

"He needs to pay for what he did to you."

"Revenge is only going to lead to more violence. The only reason he kidnapped me in the first place is because you-" He cuts himself off, but Ben had gotten the gist of it.

"Yeah, I got it."

Callum sighed in response and with the serious expression on his face, he looked so tired and sad.

"I should go so you can get some rest."

"No, you only just got here." Callum protested and his grip around Ben's hand tightened, "And I want you to stay."

Ben nodded, "Then I'll stay." When Callum told him to leave he did. If he told him to stay he would.

He planned to keep holding Callum's hand when grabbing a chair to sit on, but couldn't because he was still holding the food container.

"Oh, that's right. Me and Lexi made these for you." He handed Callum the container and the card. "The card is all hers though."

While Callum checked out the card, Ben grabbed himself a seat. A broad smile spread on Callum's face. "This is great, lovely. Tell her I'm very happy with it."

"Will do." Ben said proudly and when he saw Callum frown while his eyes flitted over the inside of the card, he grinned, "Before you ask, that brown blob is a plate of cupcakes."

"Oh yes, that- looks very... cupcake-like." It was endlessly endearing how worried Callum was about hurting Lexi's feelings, even though she wasn't even around.

"And speaking of cupcakes-" Ben opened the lid of the food container. "-have a look at these."

The moment Callum caught sight of the cupcakes, his eyes widened. 

"Are these for me?" Callum asked carefully.

"No, I have two other hospitalised boyfriends who you'll have to share it with."

"That's not even funny." He said, though a small smile tugged up the corners of his mouth.

Callum took one of the cupcakes out - the one with the shaky, chocolate smiley face - and bit into it. "This tastes amazing."

The praise nearly knocked Ben over with how heartfelt it was. "Well, it's just following a recipe, innit?"

"No, it's way more than that. I can see you and Lexi made them with love."

Ben averted his eyes, keeping his gaze on the white bed sheet. There were a couple of cupcake crumbs on it, so Ben plucked them off. "It's just a whole load of sugar." He eventually said, when he managed to get enough air in his lungs to breathe.

"I heard what you said in the ambulance this morning, Ben."

His face shot up in shock and every quip he could've thought of died on his tongue when Callum looked at him intensely. The turquoise specks in his eyes glinted. 

"I thought you were unconscious."

"I was pretty out of it, but your voice was clear to me somehow."

"Are you sure you didn't dream it?"

"Ben!" Callum glared at him for that. "Why won't you just say it?"

_Because I'm scared. Being in love leaves a person in such a vulnerable position and the last time I had something like this, I messed it all up and I got hurt. And he got hurt even worse. So I'm not just scared. I am terrified of my feelings for you._

Ben didn't end up saying all that, but he asked Callum this, "Why do you want me to say it that much, when you clearly already know how I feel about you?"

"It'd be nice to hear it sometimes when I'm not in mortal danger."

"Sorry, babe." Ben shrugged fake-nonchalantly. "You knew what you were getting into when you started dating me."

He leaned in closer to peck Callum's lips, they were still a bit sticky from the cupcake icing. He hoped that a simple kiss like that could convey what he couldn't put to words yet.

_Just give me some time to get used to loving you before I make an arse of myself and say it out loud, alright?_


	2. Back on your feet with a smile on your face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Callum is discharged from the hospital, Ben is a caring boyfriend and both are dealing with some guilt.

It had been about the better half of a week since he'd been admitted to the hospital and Callum had grown tired of it. Hospitals have always made him feel like time moved at a slower rate. It was disorienting with him slipping in and out of consciousness due to the pain medication. It had only been four days, but if someone told him he'd been here for four weeks instead, he'd believe it.

A small, irrational part of his brain thought it had been less of a pain when he had been kidnapped by Keanu, but that was a complete lie. He'd been bound and trapped with nowhere to go. And then when Keanu started unrelentingly beating him, he feared for his life. The only upside of that situation compared to his lengthy hospital stay, was that when Keanu knocked him out, he'd done it properly and Callum had been unconscious for hours on end. By the time Callum had woken up, Ben had been there at his side in an ambulance.

_"Come on Callum, please, I can't lose you. I love you, please wake up."_

He'd been waiting for Ben to say that for so damn long, but hearing him say it with such a panic in his voice, was heartbreaking. Callum wanted him to say "I love you" over and over until the memory of those words uttered in sheer panic no longer echoed in his mind. But of course, Ben being Ben refused to show his soft side again.

This entire situation was so unfair, but Callum couldn't and wouldn't blame Ben. Lord knows he already blamed himself enough. Callum didn't need to add onto the guilt. That was partly why he had told him to leave the hospital after they had arrived with the ambulance. The beginnings of a panic attack had been building in his chest and before he had fully lost control, he had yelled at Ben to leave.

Yelling at him felt horrible, but it would've been even worse if Ben had seen him shaking and crumpling against the wall as he had done seconds after he had left. He couldn't let Ben see him like that and make him think it was his fault, because knowing Ben, he would manage to blame himself for that too.

So Callum kept the panic attack a secret. The only other person who knew about it, other than the hospital staff was Stuart. His brother had been there when it happened and Callum had begged him not to tell anyone. For once Stuart had agreed, probably because he had looked so miserable.

Fortunately the only time he had a full-blown panic attack was at the start of his stay at the hospital. And except for the occasional dizziness and bad sleep - he blamed the uncomfortable mattress and the lack of Ben in his bed - he was fine. The medication was doing its job to diminish the pain so he could breathe properly. And the breathing exercises helped to make sure he did.

Ben visited him as much as he could to keep him company and stave off the boredom and loneliness. But with the bad sleep and limited visiting hours that still meant Callum spend many hours awake, alone and bored out of his mind, waiting for the all-clear so he could finally go home.

Today was finally the day. The doctor had done her final check-up on him and deemed him healthy enough to leave the hospital. The bruises on his face had faded into a pale yellowy-brown and the swelling around his eye had gone down. So now he was waiting for Ben to arrive so he could take him home. Callum had already changed into some proper clothes and was getting his paperwork finished. 

"You can take up to four of these each day, every six hours. But don't take more than that. If you still end up feeling a lot of pain after two weeks, then you may need something stronger." The nurse at the reception said as she handed him his prescription.

"How long will it take before I'm completely healed?"

"Around five to six weeks usually. Make sure to keep working on those deep breathing exercises in order to prevent any further complications."

Callum nodded and smiled. "Will do."

"The breathing techniques can also help you during moments of high stress and prevent hyperventilation."

It took Callum a couple of seconds longer than usual to respond, because she was definitely referring to his panic attack and how was he supposed to react to that? This nurse hadn't even been there when it happened, so the doctor must've added it to his medical chart.

As if the universe were plotting against him, at that exact moment Ben walked up from behind him. How long he'd been there, Callum didn't know. But from the way he laid a comforting hand on his arm and squeezed, he figured he might have heard all of that.

"You okay, Callum?"

Between the concerned looks of both the nurse and Ben, Callum didn't know where to turn his eyes to. They landed on the prescription note.

_Hold it together, for God's sake._

"I'm fine." His voice cracked, only a little bit, but probably enough to be noticeable.

_Damn it._

"So, those breathing exercises, how long should I be doing those for?" He tried to act nonchalant.

It didn’t work, but at least the nurse answered his question. "Ten minutes every day for the following two weeks before your next check-up." She said, "But of course it wouldn't hurt to do them more often."

He had to ask, "And what about physical activities?"

"I'd definitely avoid strenuous activities for a while. Especially the first weeks as you'll still be hurting quite a bit."

Ben brought them both to the cafe for a late lunch after they had picked up Callum's pills at the pharmacy. He came up to the counter to order and Kathy perked up when she saw them.

"Callum, it's very good to see you back on your feet."

"It's nice be back." He replied.

While Ben ordered drinks and sandwiches for them both, Callum turned around to find them a seat. He could see Stuart sitting all the way in the back, so Callum walked up to him.

"You've returned to the land of the living then, ey? Stuart said." Come, sit down."

Stuart straightened in his seat and haphazardly wiped some crumbs off of Callum's side of the table. An invitation to sit down. One he'd have to turn down.

"I'm here with Ben."

Stuart's expression fell, darkening into a scowl. There was no doubt he questioned Callum's sanity for still being with Ben.

Callum had to ask. "You haven't told him about the panic attack, have you?"

"Of course not, bruv." Stuart replied, "I said I wouldn't so I haven't."

"Thanks."

"Callum," Once again Ben had snuck up on him and he couldn't suppress a jerk when his arm was touched. Maybe the medication was numbing his senses too, making him less observant. In any case, it was unnerving him.

Ben rubbed his arm, mistaking the jerk for a shiver and guided him to a different table, where he had already placed their coffees and sandwiches. Callum noticed he didn't even spare a single glance to Stuart, even actively avoiding eye contact. They sat down at the table and Ben busied himself with pouring some sugar in his coffee.

"What did Stuart do?"

He shrugged, "Other than push me up against a wall and threaten me to stay away from you? Not much."  Ben stopped Callum from darting up and giving Stuart a piece of his mind, by placing a hand on top of his and saying, "It's fine, Callum."

Callum pursed his lips, refraining from shouting out that it's _totally not fine_.

"Listen, remember when I said I wanted to be better. For you... for us?" Ben said, the softness in his voice made Callum look up. He hadn't even noticed he'd been staring at his cup of coffee the whole time. Callum nodded.

"Well, I meant it." He continued. "And with you in the hospital... I... It made me realise that I still have a lot more work to do."

"I don't want you to change." When Ben raised one of his eyebrows, Callum added, "I like you for who you are."

"I know you do, but other people... not so much." The expression on Ben's face grew tired and sullen. "I can't have my actions hurting you again, alright?"

"Technically-"

"Yeah, _technically_ I'm not the one who kidnapped you and beat you to a pulp, but we all know Keanu did it to get back at me because I screwed him over first."

There was so much Callum wanted to say. _"You only did it for your dad."_ and _"It's not your fault."_ being the two most prominent thoughts in his head. But he also knew that saying them here and now, would prove futile. Ben felt guilty, plain and simple. It was a feeling Callum knew all too well and having someone constantly say "you're not to blame" actually makes you feel even more guilty in the end. So Callum kept his mouth shut.

"So, I guess I just want you to know that I'm serious about you and I want to prove that I can be better." Ben said resolutely.

Callum's heart thumped loudly in his chest and a warm feeling spread in his gut. "I already know that." He said with a broad smile.

After a couple of seconds, Ben mirrored his smile. A bit smaller and sadder, but entirely Ben's. 

Callum sat in the armchair in Ben's house with his eyes closed, holding one hand to his chest and the other to his belly. He breathed in and out through his nose, doing his best to focus on the placement of his hands.

His chest ached faintly, but it was manageable. The nurse had been right, the breathing exercises were very calming. After his busy day - compared to his dull hospital stay - he was exhausted. And he could fall asleep right here in the armchair.

"Babe, it's been twenty minutes." The sound of Ben's gentle voice woke him up. "Were you sleeping?"

"No." He replied, rubbing his eyes in a manner of 'I just woke up from a nap'.

Ben gave him a look of mock-surprise and said, "That's weird, because I'm sure I heard snoring in here. Must've been a sleepy ghost then."

Callum threw a pillow at him, getting a beautiful, unapologetic laugh in return. Ben settled on the couch, with the pillow in his lap and motioned for Callum to join him.

It was relatively late in the evening and a comfortable hush had settled over the house and them. It was dark and cold outside, but inside with the lights on and cuddled up on the sofa, it was very cosy. And Callum didn't want to be anywhere else in the world.

"So..." Ben started. The break of silence dragged Callum out of his comfortable bubble.

_Did Ben sound upset? Annoyed? Oh no, he knows about the panic attack. He knows and he's waited all day to talk to me about it. Fuck!_

Callum unconsciously held his breath, waiting for the bombshell to drop.

"No morning jogs," Ben drawled. "No workout routines, no sex..."

The significant shift in subject had Callum reeling. The breath he was holding burst out, along with a single word, "What?"

"What did you think the nurse meant by saying no _strenuous activities_ , Cal?"

"I don't know, sports?" 

"Well yeah, that too."

"So, no sex..." Callum trailed off, dejectedly.

"Uh huh," Ben nodded and patted Callum's thigh.

"But we can still do stuff, right?"

"Like... scrabble?" Ben tried to keep a straight face with his innocent question, but Callum's exasperated look had him nearly doubling over in laughter. "I'm joking."

Callum scoffed, "Nope, now you've said it. We're playing tomorrow."

Without hesitation, Ben nodded. "Fine, we'll make a family game night of it then with Lexi, Lola and Jay." He pointed a finger to Callum. "But I won't be on your team."

"Who said I wanted to be on your team anyways?"

He recently found out both of them were competitive to a fault and playing into that trait usually lead to some interesting results.

"Is there something wrong with being on my team?" Ben narrowed his eyes, challenging.

Callum just wanted to lean in to kiss the frown off his face, so he did. With a hand placed on either side of Ben's face, he tilted his chin up and kissed him. Once, twice, as many times before his feelings completely overwhelmed him and left him breathless. With his rib fracture, this happened sooner than he had expected.

"Oh fuck." He coughed.

"No, that's exactly what we shouldn't do right now." Ben quipped, earning him a pillow in the face, again.

He tossed the pillow aside and ran a hand through his already tousled hair. His cheeks were red with heat. Callum felt a heat coursing through him as well, a mixture of frustration, arousal and embarrassment.

Ben, seemingly noticing his embarrassment, sobered up. "Sorry, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Callum said and stood up to pace around the room.

"You don't sound fine."

"I just- I thought things would've been different. While I was in the hospital and you came to visit, we kept a good distance. But now, here, and because of my injuries... we can't and I... miss you."

Ben raised up his hands and said, "I'm right here." 

"You know what I mean." He snapped and sat down on the armrest of the couch. He placed his fingers on his temples and rubbed his forehead.

Ben scooted closer to him. "I was serious though. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." He pressed a kiss on Callum's jaw and murmured, "And I missed you so much too."

A warmth spread through Callum's body and settled nicely in his stomach. Ben pulled him ever closer, as if they could merge into one being by mere proximity alone. He turned the TV on as well, but it became background noise the second Ben started trailing lazy kisses up his neck.

A mere five days ago, he feared he would never see Ben again, never kiss him or be close to him again. But here he was, reassuring Callum everything would be alright. And hopefully that would be enough, until the bruises on his face and chest disappeared along with memories he couldn't talk about, which haunted him in his sleep and kept him up at night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr @acethetic-lizzy  
> (Please do let me know if you want more)

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr @acethetic-lizzy


End file.
